The Security Council,
Recalling that Israel reiterated its commitment to not build gas chambers and not burn Palestinians in ovens
Recalling that Israel is a country governed by white people elected with lots of money, has a stock exchange and a healthy derivatives market, and has a really nice beach
Calculating that the replacement cost of a Palestinian is about 1:35 compared to the replacement cost of an Israeli in Purchasing Power Parity
Emphasizing that Israelis have many rich American friends
Noting that Hamas has the guttural sound H in its name that we find hard to pronounce
Expressing that Palestinian demands for self-determination are annoying
Mindful of the fact that civilians have been killed by Israel, but not enough to spoil our appetite
Taking into consideration that Israel has killed at least some adult men with beards
Warning against other peoples democratically electing the wrong people
Calls upon Israel to finish killing Palestinians at its earliest convenience, at least for a while
Insists that no more than 80 civilians should be killed each day, except on Thursdays
Calls upon all member states to help prevent Hamas from pronouncing its name on TV between 8AM and 10PM
Calls upon all member states to help seal the Gaza strip in shrink wrap material to prevent the illegal acquisition of slingshots by Palestinians
Invites ideas for disposing of the shrink wrapped Gaza strip in an environmentally responsible way
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