We White Men are now an infinitesimally oppressed, slightly less powerful majorityMy friends, for many years, I have lived a life of divine privilege. By birthright, I was special - white as all get out and as male as could be. Basically, I hit the genetic lottery, and grew to be secure in the fact that all rights available to a human belonged to me.
But those days have come to and end, and with them, a tiny percentage of my hopes and dreams. You see, in just over six months, the United States has seen a black man be elected President of the United States, and a Latin woman be nominated for Supreme Court. My friends, these jobs were once the sole property of men like me. White men. White men who didn't care about non-white men, and didn't have to because we're white. But those times are changing. And I am frightened.
Now, sure, I understand there are white men out there that will help white men like myself bridge the infinitesimally small new gap. I also understand that white men still make up 90 percent or more of Congress, and roughly 100 percent of the mainstream media. But these privileges are no longer purely a given, and in fact have the unseemly feel of large-partism just thrown our way by the minorly less impotent minority class.
Because, you see, not that long ago, when a Supreme Court seat opened up, I had the warm comfort of knowing that I - with no law experience whatsoever - had a much better chance at becoming a Supreme Court Justice than a woman with a Puerto Rican heritage. A woman who would have never even have been given the opportunity to gain law experience not so long ago. But now, I feel the same oppression as the blacks that were enslaved in the U.S., and the Native Americans who were slaughtered. I am now part of an oppressed, negligibly less powerful majority.
So what happens to me now? This year the Supreme Court is off limits to a white, non-law-practicing male like myself. And the Presidency is now firmly in the hands of someone who lacks the comforting whiteness that I and my fellow white men have come to accept as the norm. As someone who once had limitless opportunities, I now find the ease of which I could stumble into those opportunities limited ever-so slightly. But I believe that we White men can come back and reclaim the absolute and complete power we once held. We must begin our own civil rights struggle. We must take to the streets. It is time for a white male movement.
I believe it is time for white men to get together and form an organization that fights for our needs. In keeping with this new "Enlarge the Gap" movement, we should dress uniformly, perhaps in all white to further enhance our whiteness. Let me tell you, organization is key. And while the triflingly more powerful minorities of this nation may scoff at a large, well-organized group of white men marching the streets dressed in white with torches, for we white males it will be the type of thing that empowers us. Because the ruling, pampered minorities do not understand what an angry group of vaguely oppressed white men can accomplish. They have no historical perspective, at least as far as I learned at the private school I attended. They see us only as extremely powerful, but not God-like any longer. This tiny, almost unnoticeable gap between deity and hyper-powerful is a gap we must close.
We must fight. Today, a white male child will be born into an oppressive society where the color of his skin will only be a great advantage, not an incomprehensibly powerful advantage. That child will see that there is now extra competition out there between himself and his dreams. That child will be born into a society that - while understanding his cultural values and belief systems - will no longer automatically fearfully submit to them. That child will be destined for a life of dreams and promises that will only very likely be fulfilled. The guarantee is now gone, and we must get it back.
My white male friends, we shall overcome. We are a theoretically oppressed majority, but our voices can be heard. White men, spit the imperceptibly less silver spoon from your mouths and yell to the skies "The White Man will rise again! Power to the white male."
Thank you, and I have retained counsel, several bodyguards, a maid, hairstylist and personal valet on this matter.
July 11, 2009
The meaning of Obama, sort of
This piece of sublime by a certain William K. Wolfrum deserves notice: